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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22453132">Can we talk?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CW_doesnt_deserve_rights/pseuds/CW_doesnt_deserve_rights'>CW_doesnt_deserve_rights</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Dean Winchester Has Panic Attacks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I was bored and still feeling the affects of 15x09, M/M, My first fanfic on A03, POV Dean Winchester, cas is a sweetheart, fluff?</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-01-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-01-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 05:40:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,356</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22453132</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CW_doesnt_deserve_rights/pseuds/CW_doesnt_deserve_rights</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Following the events of Season 15 Episode 9, "The Trap" Dean and Cas are left to their own devices when Sam heads up to bed. Dean wants to finish what he started in Purgatory.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>97</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Can we talk?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The pads of Dean's fingers grazed the grooves of his glass. The warm sensation of Cas's presence next to him pricked like a billion little needles stabbing into his side. A million alarm bells were ringing in his head, if he was smart he would stand up say a quick goodnight to Cas on his way to bed. But Dean’s brain cells were fried for the day. Cas sat beside him in eerie silence that put Dean more on edge than he already was. Dean heard his own slow, nervous swallow in his ears before he cleared his throat. The baritone gravel of his voice cut through the white noise of the kitchen appliances, “Can we talk?”<br/>
Cas peered at him with those tired, ice blue eyes that Dean was so familiar with. “I told you I heard your prayer Dean.” Dean swallowed again, “I know, but I—” his fingers traced his glass again, trying to release his tension, “I gotta tell you to your face Cas, praying to you is cheating.” </p><p> “Dean I know you don’t like telling people how you feel, and I know. You don’t have to tell me again.” Cas protested.<br/>
“That the thing isn’t it, I do Cas. I was on the clock, so you only got the abbreviated version.” Heat prickled up Dean’s neck, why did Cas have to make this so damn hard? Cas leaned into the table, his hands wrapped around his own glass, “Fine”. </p><p> Finally given permission to go on Dean stiffened, and he felt his mind blank. He had run through what he would say a million times today, he had written an entire elaborate script, and now he couldn’t remember a damn thing. Blood roared in his ears like a waterfall. “Dean…” Cas’s voice was gentler now, less like sandpaper. Dean could feel his heart pick up; he felt the blood in his fingertips pulse, he clenched the glass of whiskey. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn't breathe, he couldn’t— Cas pried Dean’s fingers from around his glass, “Dean look at me.” Dean forced his wide eyes to shift onto Cas. “Focus on me Dean.” Dean stared into Cas’s eyes taking in all the different shades of blue. “Breath Dean, breath.” The sharp intake of breath blew through his body, Cas’s arm steadied him when he teetered on the bench. “There, just keep breathing.” </p><p>Dean closed his eyes letting his breath steady, letting his heartbeat return to a healthier pace. Cas’s hand was cold, not icy, but colder than Dean’s. Dean felt his own fingers twitch, if he was smart he would pull away and go to his room without another word. But it had been established that Dean was not smart, not today at least. Dean opened his eyes, meeting Cas’s intent gaze. He exhaled, “Thank you…” Cas opened his mouth, but Dean shook his head, “Cas, please don’t talk until I’m done okay?’ Cas’s lips set in a hard line but he nodded. </p><p>“Cas I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have let you leave, I shouldn’t have made you feel like you had to leave, and I should have forgiven you so long ago. I’m so bad at it; I’m so bad at talking. And I guess I can blame my old man for that, but only partly. I should have dealt with it, figured myself out before I got to this point where I lash out at everyone I love. It’s just nothing gets better Cas. As soon as we think we’ve won a whole new apocalypse starts and we save the world again and again because that's what we do, but I’m so tired. I’m tired Cas, but I keep pushing on because that’s what we have to do. And I think all this anger inside of me is just built up through years of shit and I just haven’t confronted it. I haven’t confronted anything and I never do. It seems I can only talk when the people I love die or when I think they're dead. And that’s fucked up Cas and I don’t— I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. So I just keep getting angrier. </p><p>And I’m scared, I’m scared of everything that is happening right now, but I think most importantly I’m scared of my own feelings… and my feelings towards others. I think I feel too much and it confuses me so I turn it into the feeling I’m most familiar with and I just get more angry.” He was crying now, but he was still staring into Cas’s eyes. Dean took a shaky breath and continued. “Cas I care about you, more than you could possibly imagine and I think at times I care about you too much. And I don’t understand how or why I care so much and I get confused so I get angry with myself. But then instead of figuring it out, I turn on you and I yell at you, and I say things I regret with all of my heart. And it’s not your fault, none of it is your fault, so much of it is mine, and I just won’t admit it. I think I need to figure out these feelings and what to do with them that’s not destructive, but I honestly don’t know where to start, and I’m sorry. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say it enough.” A moment of silence passed, “Ok I’m done Cas”. </p><p>            Cas blinked but didn’t say anything. Dean took another wavering breath and hesitantly squeezed the angel’s hand, “Please say something Cas.” Cas’s voice was tentative, “I don’t want to scare you off Dean.” Dean flexed his jaw, “You’re not going to I promise. I just need to you say something.”<br/>
Cas inhaled looking at Dean. The angel’s eyes were stony, not cold, just hard and determined, “Dean… I think you know exactly what you feel.” Dean gulped but maintained his steady gaze on Cas. “Tell me what I feel Cas.”<br/>
“No Dean, you have to tell me, figure it out by yourself.” Cas’s voice was hard and final. They fell into silence, still staring, still holding hands on the tabletop. Dean took another breath, “You don’t make this easy for me do you?” Cas said nothing. Dean felt his breath stop again, “I don’t think I can tell you Cas.” he paused, “can I show you?” Cas nodded. </p><p>           Dean didn’t give himself time to overthink, he just acted. Letting go of Cas’s interlaced fingers, he placed his hands on either side of Cas’s face, feeling the coarse texture of stubble against his palms. His heart raced but it felt good this time. Dean didn’t hesitate, leaning across letting his lips softly meet the angel’s. When Cas didn’t react Dean pulled away, panicked. Cas’s startled stupor broken, he grabbed for Dean, “No.” The angel’s lips pressured Dean’s. His heart stuttered Cas’s lips were rough but cautious against his own. A muffled sound vibrated at the base of Dean’s throat. He ran his tongue on the rim of Cas’s lips, Cas responded to Dean’s advance, deepening the kiss. Cas’s fingers pressed against Dean’s muscles hidden under layers of flannel.</p><p>            Their lips parted for air, and Dean couldn’t help it, he laughed. He laughed and laughed, holding on to Cas for dear life.  It felt strange, this feeling, how could he laugh like this while the whole world was going to hell? But he could, he could laugh because Cas was here, with him. Cas held him, silent and understanding. Dean’s nose rested into the warm crook of Cas’s neck. The bubbly laughter soon turned into tears and though he cried, laughter mixed with the tears. Tears of what he didn’t know. Happiness? Relief? Cas held himself in sturdy support, running a hand gently through the hair of the man in his arms.<br/>
Dean looked back up into the eyes of the angel that held him. Cas tenderly brushed the tears off of Dean’s face, “I’m glad we talked.” Dean smiled, “I think we still have a lot to talk about.” and he moved in for another kiss.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading this! After watching 15x09 I had a lot of thoughts which then resulted in me writing this in the middle of the night and then editing it in the middle of class the next day. I hope you enjoyed it!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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